Learning To Look Myself In The Eye... Again

A reflection on mirrors, change, and the quiet power of self-compassion

I have myriad stories of how self-compassion helps us make and manage deep and lasting change, from the many people I’ve coached over the years. They are all different - each person's experience is unique and yet it seems to me, there are unifying threads that connect us all.

But of course, those stories are deeply private - they’re not mine to tell. So instead, I'd like to share one of my own.

I've shared Part One before. A story about mirrors and self-perception.

Part Two only happened recently. And, like a mirror, it has been helping me reflect.

Part 1: Noticing

For a very long time, I used to have a habit I wasn’t fully aware of.

Whenever I caught sight of myself in the mirror - especially when no one else was around - I would pull a face. A distorted, mocking grimace. Not playful. Not kind. Not neutral. Just... unpleasant. The word I would have used at the time would be... ugly.

It was unconscious. Automatic. A flicker of shame turned outward, worn on my own face.

It was a form of self-harm that left no visible scars. But it said something. It said: You don’t get to be seen kindly.

And then, one day, cleaning my teeth in the bathroom, I noticed what I was doing.

I caught myself in the act - not just of pulling the face, but of turning against myself. And because I’d been gently working with self-awareness and compassion in other areas of my life, something different happened this time.

I didn’t spiral into self-judgement.

I didn’t scold myself for being 'stupid' or 'ridiculous'.

Instead, I held myself gently.

And I quietly told myself, 'It's ok my love, you don’t need to do that anymore'.

From there, I began to practise seeing myself differently.

Not through rose-tinted glasses. Not with forced positivity. Just… clearly.

I chose to meet my own gaze in the mirror. To see myself as I was; releasing the urge to distort what I saw.

Slowly, over time, I began to greet my reflection like an old friend. Smiling. Maybe even laughing. Learning to look myself in the eye with the same kindness I showed others.

Part 2: Remembering

As is true for so many of us, this past year has brought its own set of challenges - some from the world around me, and some from within. And during one of the harder stretches, I caught myself almost doing it again.

It sounds ridiculous to write it here - I'm a grown woman in my 50s, and yet I could still sense this desire to grimace at myself in the mirror. But these patterns run deep. And what surprised me wasn’t that I wanted to return to an old behaviour, it was how quickly I met myself with love.

Not frustration.

Not shame.

Just love.

Because, with a foundation of self-compassion, I was able to see there was simply a part of me showing up. A part that thought the only way to get my attention was to appear distorted in the glass.

So I turned toward that part.

Gently. Curiously. Compassionately.

Remembering the importance of showing myself the kindness I show others.

You may well have your own version of this story.

Perhaps you notice a critical inner voice that never lets up? Or you sense a rigid self-denial that keeps you from enjoying things you might love? Or maybe limiting beliefs stop you saying what you need, or showing up as your full self?

This stuff is complex, tender, varied. And while our stories may be different,  the unifying thread is this: We can all turn toward ourselves with love.

Creating a foundation of self-compassion enables us to deepen our self-awareness - and with self-awareness comes our ability not only to navigate change, but to choose our own direction of travel.



With love.

If this speaks to something in you - maybe something private, something perhaps unnamed - you may wish to join me for my upcoming course, Creating Change with Compassion.

It’s a 4-week live course, beginning Friday 23rd May. Using group coaching and journaling, we'll be working in a small group to gently explore how self-compassion can become your inner anchor during times of change.

You can read more about  it and book your space here.

And if you’d like to hear the full, original version of this story, you’ll find it here: Mirror Mirror - Learning to love what we see (S1E11). This is one of the very early episodes from the podcast, back in 2020, Season One.